So,
I am so lucky to have so many people in my life. I have amazing friends and an amazing family. I live well, am not especially ugly, and have many talents. I live in a free country, go to school and have healthcare.
I don't deserve any of it.
I'm such a bad person, compared to my mom, and AL and SP and KM and TL. I lie, I cheat. I'm prideful and envious. I am just a terrible person, all round. People say that I'm smart and nice and stuff, but really, inside, if you knew me you'd all hate me.
I know that in 10-15 years, AL will be some famous actor or world leader or something, while designing his own fashion line. SP will be doing some major voice acting and raking in the $. TL will be saving kids in 3rd World Countries and KC will be a famous singer. I know that I'll be at home alone, working some minimum wage job with no love life and no family to speak of. But I don't WANT to be bad. That should count for something, right?
Apparently not.
Everyone expects me to do great things, but it seems like I'm the only one who realizes it. I am not special. I am not even normal. I wouldn't be suprised if I was the worst person on earth. I'm one of the people who everyone loves but is really just pulling you over. If it weren't for this guilt, I'd be a phycopath.
I'm sorry. I'm just wallowing in self-pity. I mean, it's not like anyone reads this anyway. I don't have to worry about people talking to me. They wouldn't believe it, and they would try to convince me otherwise. I've been through it all before. "You're a great student." "You're a good kid." "You'll go far in life." How do you know? No one knows me. It'd be better if they stopped trying.
No one knows how awful I am but me, and so I can't stop being awful; what a vicious cycle.
J
Nobody is perfect, J. We're all sinners, but at least you can own up to it.
ReplyDelete"I know that I'll be at home alone, working some minimum wage job with no love life and no family to speak of."
I doubt that, J. You might think you're a bad person, but I know you have a good heart. You'll have a wonderful life. Believe in yourself. I know I believe in you.
J,
ReplyDeleteSeriously. Now that I know how to comment I will. But honestly. YOU ARE AMAZING. You are different and that is what makes you so special. Your not fake or scared to say what is on your mind. I admire you. I do. You have your own personal style and you are confident in yourself. I know, you've probably heard this speech a bunch but I just wanted to let you know that.
And listen, about the posts that are posted for the next month or so. If you EVER become that depressed again TELL ME. I have been reading your posts and when I read the ones about the monster in April, I was scared. I didn't know what to do. So, naturally I pushed myself away.
But you cannot avoid it J. If it EVER happens again I want you to tell me. We can talk and go to a movie or something. Seriously.
Anyways, call me sometime.
T