Bizarre (III)

The girl doesn't know how to make the monster leave;
She can't see the monster,
But se doesn't want the monster to go
Because without the monster
She doesn't know who she'll be
Or if she'll be
Because the girl is the monster
And the monster is the girl.
They hate each other
Yet hold so tight together that
No one is sure if they are monster and girl
Or Monster-Girl.
Not even the girl knows that.

Bizarre (II)

The girl is the monster
The monster is the girl
Yet the monster consumes the girl
Until the girl isn't sure
If she is the girl
Or the monster.
The girl is never sure of anything
When the monster is hungry.
She figures that she couldn't have been born
Both monster
And girl
But she can't remember which came first
The chicken or the egg
The monster or the girl.
She just knows that there is a monster
And there is a girl
All tangled up
In a big mess.

Something Bizarre

I can taste the fire burning on my tounge
Brimming over, watch out for that explosion
Fire, never ice
Flame, never sea
And I'm drowning in the embers
And I'm burning in the waves
The curse is back! The curse is back!
The only thing to ever bring me to my knees
But it does,
Over and over again
Everyone has a weak spot
Mine is more like a continent
Or the whole world
Everything I see disolves into the pain
I called here
I called it!
Those who think they love me are consumed
The monster watches with a cold calculation
The girl trapped inside hurts the worst of all.

I Don't Deserve Anything

So,

I am so lucky to have so many people in my life. I have amazing friends and an amazing family. I live well, am not especially ugly, and have many talents. I live in a free country, go to school and have healthcare.

I don't deserve any of it.

I'm such a bad person, compared to my mom, and AL and SP and KM and TL. I lie, I cheat. I'm prideful and envious. I am just a terrible person, all round. People say that I'm smart and nice and stuff, but really, inside, if you knew me you'd all hate me.

I know that in 10-15 years, AL will be some famous actor or world leader or something, while designing his own fashion line. SP will be doing some major voice acting and raking in the $. TL will be saving kids in 3rd World Countries and KC will be a famous singer. I know that I'll be at home alone, working some minimum wage job with no love life and no family to speak of. But I don't WANT to be bad. That should count for something, right?

Apparently not.

Everyone expects me to do great things, but it seems like I'm the only one who realizes it. I am not special. I am not even normal. I wouldn't be suprised if I was the worst person on earth. I'm one of the people who everyone loves but is really just pulling you over. If it weren't for this guilt, I'd be a phycopath.

I'm sorry. I'm just wallowing in self-pity. I mean, it's not like anyone reads this anyway. I don't have to worry about people talking to me. They wouldn't believe it, and they would try to convince me otherwise. I've been through it all before. "You're a great student." "You're a good kid." "You'll go far in life." How do you know? No one knows me. It'd be better if they stopped trying.

No one knows how awful I am but me, and so I can't stop being awful; what a vicious cycle.

J

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've been thinking...

Now before you all duck and cover your heads, my thinking, however rare, has happened before, so you don't have to worry about the appoclipse[?] or whatever. I am a perfectly good thinker. Mostly. Sometimes.

But anyway, I've been thinking about this blog. I don't think anyone actually reads this, therefore making this, even and especially, this post, a complete waste of time. I know! I'll tell J about it today at YFC. She'll visit it, even if only once.

So I guess I'll talk about...what? What shall I talk about? I suppose that I don't have anything else to say. When I think of something else I'll post. Ohhh...wait. I just thought of 2 things.

And now I forgot them both.

Wait.

Okay, so I hate exclaimation marks. They are just so...bubbly. Airheaded. Not saying that people who use exclaimation marks are airheaded or anything. That is just my personal opinion. They have a certain personality about them. Periods are just nice and quiet and serious, but exclaimation marks are...annoyingly happy and yet dumb. Blissfully ignorant.

I did forget the second thing...again.

So I'll talk to you [write?] later.

Love,
J

WARNING: ridiculous materials contained in this post

So guys,

Sorry I haven't written in awhile. Today, contrary to yesterday, was beautiful out and I walked to the office instead of begging a drive. Today was AL's birthday, and I made him a card in French class. I honestly can't believe that I am talking about such boring, mundane stuff, though it's not like anyone actually reads this. I wonder if you can put a hit counter on here....[?]

I watched the new[ish] Sherlock Holmes movie and found it most delightful. I laughed, I puzzled, I jumped to conclussions, and I would have cried, had I been that type of person. The characters were well represented and one of my favorite things was the way the relationship was portrayed between John Watson and Sherlock Holmes. Hey- do you think Mike Holmes is related? Just kidding.

Okay, so what I really want to talk about: rules. Just like lines, I have a lot of rules, and some of them don't even make sense. Like, when you wish, you have to wish for small things. A sunny day, or instance, or a good dream. Wishing for more just isn't within the star's power. So last night, upon walking the dog I looked up into the sky, picked out the first star I saw and, after thinking a moment [another thing: I believe that stars, much like genies, can be very tricky, so you have to word your wish just so, or else] I said "I wish for something extrodinary to happen to me tomorrow." [you see, being very specific about who, when, and what. how, why and where don't matter, in this instance].

And it did. But I can't tell you about that. Now you know, however, how to wish for something properly, but let me warn you; if you don't really believe that it'll work, it won't.

Yup, so that's my strange rant.

Love,
J

Faerie Tales

Dear,
Ever since I was little I have been obsessed with faerie tales. I had "Cinderella" memorised by the time I was 3 and was reading it to my new baby brother by as soon as he was born. Even now I have a book of traditional faerie tales that was my mothers when she was young, and also a complete collection of the Brothers Grimm faerie tales.

I guess it's because in faerie tales, anything can happen. Any wrong will be righted, every villan will be overcome. Farm boys become kings; princesses find true love. The poor, noble men become rich and powerful and the corrupt, powerful men get what'c coming to them. "Faerie Tale" is basically synonym for an idealistic world.

More later- I must fly.
J

Death (It's a popular topic for me)

Dear,
We're supposed to make lists for youth group of 100 things we want to do before we die. It's so weird, the way people think about death. "Stuff to do before" or "what happens after" but never death itself. But what is death? Is it the moment you are not alive? The moment after you breath your last breath? Or is it after the dying ends and whatever else begins? Sometimes I get so confused.

That's all. Maybe I'll post my list here when I finish.

J

Dead Worms on the Pavement (a short story)

I think about the dead worms on the pavement, there, beneath my feet. I imagine the rain that fell and softened the soil; I imagine the little worms emergining from underground to bathe in the droplets the way we bathe in the sunlight. I picture the sun coming out from behind a cloud and drying up all of the rain, and with it, drying up all the worms, until they are nothing but dead worms on the pavement.

Once they wiggled and squirmed and-who knows?- maybe even loved. Living their soggy, dirty existence contentedly until that rain made them forget all reason. Maybe they believed that the rain would bring better things, or maybe they were just curious. All I know is that now they are just dead worms on the pavement.

Most people, they would see the dead worms on the pavement and walk on. Me, I look at them and feel an ache in my chest that comes with tears. I never particularly liked worms; they were slimy and cold, yet here I am, crying over some dead worms. I guess it's because I know that one day, we'll all be like that. That one day, I will be a dead worm on the pavement.

So I try not to step on them.

J

Hope and Belief

I have always believed that if you imagine something hard enough, it will happen.

I don't have any proof or anything. And even though I have always hated "Cinderella" and "Snow White" for precisly that reason, I can't seem to let it go. I mean, how many books have a read about magic that just says that you have to picture it in your mind and reach inside yourself the the glowing pool and BAM it works?

Too many, apparently.

But really, if I don't believe this, what do I have? I just exist, like everyone else, with nothing special about me, with no fire inside. I don't want to be like that, even if it means that I am lying to myself. I just can't not believe, because if it is true, then it will never happen. As long as there is a chance I will believe.

Even if it's not me, I still believe. Maybe I don't have the magic word, or maybe I just don't have the magic, but I believe that there is someone out there who does. I can't let that go.

I can't let it go, or else there's no hope.

J

Boredom: A state of being bored; tedium.

I, my dears, am so absolutly, completely bored, it is unimaginable for your poor, simple little minds.

You see, I havn't anything to read, and havn't had anything to read for quite some time. There is nothing left to do. Facebook is a bore. I am no good at phone conversations, and there isn't even any point in emailing S because she has Theatre until 9 tonight.

Okay. That's it.

J

This is a book, you open it. See, these are words..." She says, explaining the process of reading to her 9th grade english class.... true.

Okay,
So apparently I am the only nerd in my english class who has read "Cue for Treason" before being assigned it in class. What? Its a good book! It has girls pretending to be boys illegly, plots and mysteries, and Shakesphere (?)!

What more could a complete history geek ask for?

Which just proves the point of my nerdiness. Oops.

Another thing that happened today: my teacher caught me making my "Hogwarts" powerpoint today in BBT. I just work on it when I finish all the work she assigns, which is spectacularly easy. It was formerly titled "Why Slytherin is the Best House", until today when I figured that I should just talk about all of the houses, since I was doing that anyway.

So, getting back to the story, she yells "J, what are you doing!" Not in a you-may-set-something-on-fire shout, not even in a you-are-in-so-much-trouble shout, but a you-strange-child,-explain-your-thinking kind of way.

This was our dialouge:

"J, what are you doing!?" (realized after that it needs a question mark...again, oops)

"Uh...making a powerpoint....?" (in my best uh-oh-crazy/mad-child-eating-teacher-on-the-loose voice. Very quietly.)

"Is this for another class?" She boomed viciously, with a hint of curiousity sneaking into the undertones of her question.

I hestitated slightly. "No, its not."

She stood. "What is it for then?" I flinched at the sound of her voice, trying to think of a good excuse other than 'this class bores me to tears'.

"For...practice?"

She began to speak and I cringed. "Okay." She said, and we both went back to our respective tasks.

That was my odd day. Oh, and there was a fire drill in fifth.

Yay!!

J

So today is April 5th, the day after Easter.
I am so ready for summer. I hate spring; its just so wet. And of course I was the unlucky child to be born in the spring.

But today, even though it's wet, it is sunnier than heaven and just the perfect temperture. See, there are a few types of sunlight. I guess I'll explain them, although I need to go clean the bathroom.

So the first type is the sunrise. It is, I don't know, dark and kind of mysterious. You watch it and you feel all funny inside, like its something completely forgien and you don't understand it, which is ironic because it happens everyday.

Then there is pre-dew-melting sun. The sun that is in the sky and just risen, white and fresh, but it only lasts until the dew drys up. It is cool, like the night, yet bright like noon.

There is mid-morning sunlight. Fresh and yellow and daisy/butter cup-y.

more later. i've been cuaght and must go be cinderella once more.

J