But I WANT It!

Have you ever wanted something? Like, really, truely wanted it? Maybe when you were little, it was the newest miniature 'John Deer' construction vehicle, or this years 'Sears' Christmas Barbie. You know that feeling; your heart starts beating faster when you think about it, and when you get close enough to touch it, your palms get sweaty, making it really hard to braid that darn Barbie's hair. When you talk about it, your face lights up and you want to tell whoever is listening just how awesome this thing is.

For me, like so many other 10-year-old girls, it was a boy.

It wasn't just any boy though; he was the smartest guy I knew. Had all the answers. Even when he didn't know, he made it up, something stupid so that I would laugh. And boy, did he ever make me laugh. I can remember countless times when I couldn't breathe I was laughing so hard. He was tall, handsome, and didn't find farts funny. He was all I ever wanted in a boy.

But things change, times change, circumstances change. I changed. He changed. The world at large changed. He never knew I loved him; I had learned my leason the year before, when I had been rejected by my best friend. So I never told him how I felt, but everytime he got within seeing distance I could feel my heart race, even though I smooshed it flat, I could feel the apprehension rise up from my stomach into my mouth, asking questions without answers 'Can he tell that I haven't showered yet today? Do I have pizza stuck in my teeth? Oh no! What if he notices that my shorts are getting too small?' that made me want to throw up.

Back then, it was my greatest joy to make him laugh, even just smile. It seemed to me that he did it so rarely, and so quietly, that it was my personal mission to make him show his happiness more often. I did everything I could. And I mean everything. I can't tell you how many times I would accidently trip and then make a joke about it, just to see his grin. Because being with him, seeing him smile, made me smile.

Even now, as I write this and the image of him laughing floats up into my mind and I have to smile a wistful smile, off into the distance like something out of a movie. Why did I want him? Like him, have a crush on him, love him, even? Maybe because he made me smile. Maybe because he was nice to me. Maybe because he was the only boy that I knew who wasn't stupid, or a jerk, or both. Maybe because he treated me exactly the way he treated everyone else. Heck, maybe because he smelled good, I have no idea.

All I can say is that here I am, years later, still wanting, liking, crushing on, loving, him. And there he is, years later, still having all the answers, still making me laugh. Still not knowing how I felt- feel- about him. But some things simply aren't meant to be; I'm not fooling myself into even believeing that anything will come from my feelings. My love for him, instead of diminishing over time, is growing every single day.

I'm truely greatful, even if we grow old and die with him never knowing, or if we never see each other again, that he has taught me what unconditional love feels like.

So if you ever read this, and by some miracle guess that it's you that I'm talking about, don't worry. I'm not going to start following you around like a puppy dog, or writing you love notes any more than I have for the past years. Just- thank-you. For every day and every laugh. And:

I love you; always have, always will.

Sincerly,
J